10-29-11

        This isn’t for an assignment.  I found out the other day that my parents had showed my grandpa my writings about his late wife, who I call my grandma.  Or even my best friend.  I was told that my grandpa read my pieces and he cried, but he didn’t cry because he was sad. I decided to write another piece in remembrance of her on this day. He told my parents that he loved how much of an impact that the woman he loved made on my life.  It’s true, when she was here, she was the person who I knew could do no wrong, at least in my eyes.  I would see her smile lighting up the entire city purely because of the gracefulness of her presence.  I have yet to find another individual that had the potential to save the world like my grandmother did.

                Today marks the third year anniversary of her death.  At 8 PM tonight, I will be out having ice cream with my family.  She sure did love her sweets, especially ice cream.  We won’t be celebrating of course.  We miss her every day, but what we will be doing is remembering.  Remembering the kind of woman she was.  I will think about how she always put her family above herself.  I will look back on the all the times she read me stories or sang me her goofy song before bed.  I’ll remember how I always loved taking baths at her house because she had the most fun toys for the tub.  I’ll be reminiscing all the holiday’s spent around a dining room table, just enjoying the time we had together. I’ll hear her laugh in my head, spreading throughout every bone in my body until I can’t help but laugh right along with her.  She was genuinely one of the most kind and strong woman that walked the Earth.

  My grandmother wasn’t much of a griever.  She always told us to see the good in every situation.  Before she died, she told everybody that her funeral was to not bring any tears.  She wanted us to remember and be thankful for the time she did have and the time she got to spend with us.  Now, the no tears thing was a little too high of an order.  I remember the funeral like it was yesterday.  That church was packed full, I didn’t even know half of the people in that room. The amount of tears shed on that day could fill the seas. It just made me realize how loved and adored she was. It is unreal to think how many people’s lives were touched with my grandmother’s personality and selflessness.  At the same time, I thought about how many people broke down in dread when hearing of her passing.

                There have been so many times in the past three years when I would be so angry at the fact that there are awful minds in this world, and they are alive whereas my grandmother isn’t.  I never understood how bad things happen to the best of people.  I still don’t, and probably never will.  I guess God just wanted her all to himself, I mean I can’t blame him.  I just wish I could have said one last thing to her before it all. 

                October 29^th will always be the worst day of the year.  All this day does is remind me of the thing I lost that I can never get back.  I’ve become the person who is afraid of change.  I am terrified that if I let go of one thing, that I will regret it and have no way of getting it back.  I’ve become afraid to let myself do what will make me happy in fear of disappointing or hurting someone else who means just as much to me. Nothing hurts worse than that feeling of permanent loss.  That feeling where you’re stuck in one place because the person you needed by your side to keep going is gone and can’t come back.  It’s been three years since I lost my grandmother.  Although some might say I should be over it my now, I disagree.  It was the first person in my life that meant the world to me that was taken for good, and it feels like crap. I’ve managed to move on with my life and find happiness in other things.  Nothing in the entire world could stop me from missing her though.

                I think people underestimate the power of one person.  I know society spends way too much time telling someone that they can’t or that it’s impossible. The only way something is impossible is if nobody had the guts to try it.  It was once thought to be impossible that humans could go to space, but we proved that wrong.  Every day people are proving that the impossible is most definitely possible.  The immensity of a grandmother’s love has the power to survive anything, even death.  She may be gone, but even if I can’t physically see her or hug her, I feel the presence of her love.  That vastness and clarity in a persons’ love is what can turn the death of a woman into something bearable.  I never thought I’d realize the fact that she is still here.  I was so caught up in the sadness of the loss that I never stopped and just talked to her and let her listen to me.

                The day I lost my grandma was the day my life changed.  I think about her every second.  Involuntarily, my mind reverts to thinking what my grandma would do in a certain situation.  Although I often fail at being even close to the same level of person she was, I know she’s still proud of me.  People always leave, but even though she’s gone, she’s here, somewhere, watching me.

               

        They say it’s impossible for one person to change the world.  If anybody could have done that, it would have been my grandma.  Her almost intimidating wisdom about the way life is could have made society think twice about how unfair and cruel it could be.  I truly believe she could have left her mark on this planet if she would have had more time.  The thing that gives me comfort though, is knowing she was able to work her magic on my family and friends.  Everyone that met her loved her and saw her as an inspiration.  My grandmother may not have been able to change the world on as large of a scale as I knew she would have been capable of, but that doesn't mean she didn’t change someone’s world.  That someone is me.  My world was changed and made better just by having her present.  Isn’t it amazing that one woman can have such an impact on another’s outlook on life? If I could see her again, I would thank her for teaching me what it means to be a family member, neighbor, friend, and human.  I love you more than you will ever know grandma.  I’ll see you soon.  I miss you, thank you for changing my world.