Nightmare for a "Scaredy-Cat"

        

The morning sun peeks through the blinds illuminating the light green walls of my bedroom. The dust particles catch the light causing tiny shimmers of light in the air. I don’t want to get out of the warmth of my bed.  That means I have to begin my day, October 31st.  Halloween, me least favorite holiday of the year.

                From the kitchen down the hall, I hear my mom call me for breakfast.  I force my head down on the bed and sandwich myself between the bed and my pillow, dreading waking up.  Then I heard my stomach grumble and I realized I was starving, so I rolled my eyes and got out of bed with a moan.  “Why couldn’t it be Thanksgiving?” I thought “At least it’s acceptable to gain 20 pounds in a 12 hour period on that day.”

                I groggily stagger to the door gripping the doorknob and opening the door.

“RAHHHHHH” screamed my brother and sister in masks hop out of the bathroom, attempting to scare me.  I just stare them down with a cranky look on my face and give them a pat on the back for the nice attempt. I continue on to the kitchen, longing for breakfast.

“Good morning mom, what’s for breakfast?” I ask excitedly. 

“Your favorite, French toast!” she replies as she sets the glass plate in front of me.  I look down at my French toast and see what I guess is supposed to be a finger. 

“Really, you too?” I stab the finger with my fork and put it in my mouth.  “Its gummy body parts, I saw the bag of them when you came home from the grocery store.  Nice try.” 

“We will get you, don’t you worry.” My mom said with a devious smirk on her face.

                I roll my eyes and shove finger-free French toast into my mouth.  I have never liked Halloween, I hate being scared and I hate costumes and I hate the fact that it’s all about death and blood and gory stuff that I don’t care about.  Why can’t Halloween be more like Christmas? At least that holiday has a fun fat man in a red suit eating cookies and bringing kid’s presents.  That’s a good holiday.

                The rest of the day went by in a blur.  I went on like any other day.  That is until my family made me go trick or treating with them.  I complained and argued, no surprise there.  I used every excuse in the book. 

“I don’t feel good,” “it’s cold,” “I don’t have a costume.”

                Nothing worked, so I was walking around outside with my arms crossed, watching annoying kids dressed as princesses or ninjas, ring doorbell after doorbell begging for candy.  How lame is that? If you want candy, you can buy it yourself.  I hear my mom talk to me from a few feet ahead. 

“Okay Mikala, you've got the next house.  Go on, ring the doorbell or else you’re grounded.”

“Mom! That is totally not fair!”  I said angrily “You know I hate Halloween.”

“Too bad, go” She replied forcefully.  Of course, they picked the scariest house on the street.  This house scared every kid in the neighborhood.  It’s said to be owned by a vampire who sleeps during the day and only comes out of her house at night to haunt the neighbors.

                I walk up to the porch.  Spider webs blanket the corners of the walkway and claw marks indent the hard wooden door.  The rotten steps creak after every advancement made.  From the corner of my eye I spot two beating eyeballs with piercing green light nearly illuminating the porch.  The creature sprints across the welcome mat.  I flinch, of course, it’s a black cat that crossed my path.  Great, bad luck.  The mat in front of the door reads, “You’re not welcome.” Why have a welcome mat if nobody is welcome?  The thin windows on either side of the door have signs that say ‘no trespassing’ and ‘do not disturb, or else.’  Does my family want me to die? I finally decide to ring the doorbell.  As I do, I immediately regret it as I hear footsteps getting louder and louder as they make their way to the door.

                My heart is beating faster than a snare drum in a band.  I see the doorknob slowly turn and suddenly the creak door turns on its hinges gradually.  I see nothing inside, no furniture, or light, nothing.  It’s just darkness.  I debate running off the porch, as I do, I feel a wrinkly hand grab my ankle.  I belt out a terrified scream.  Long nails reach into my skin as I struggle to set myself free. 

                I tell myself to turn around and start fighting for myself but immediately after I do, the hands grip is loosened and I hear an evil laugh coming from the doorway.  I couldn’t believe it, it was my dad.  He had a glove with wrinkles and long nails on and he had all black clothing on.  It’s official, I absolutely HATE Halloween. 

10-29-11

        This isn’t for an assignment.  I found out the other day that my parents had showed my grandpa my writings about his late wife, who I call my grandma.  Or even my best friend.  I was told that my grandpa read my pieces and he cried, but he didn’t cry because he was sad. I decided to write another piece in remembrance of her on this day. He told my parents that he loved how much of an impact that the woman he loved made on my life.  It’s true, when she was here, she was the person who I knew could do no wrong, at least in my eyes.  I would see her smile lighting up the entire city purely because of the gracefulness of her presence.  I have yet to find another individual that had the potential to save the world like my grandmother did.

                Today marks the third year anniversary of her death.  At 8 PM tonight, I will be out having ice cream with my family.  She sure did love her sweets, especially ice cream.  We won’t be celebrating of course.  We miss her every day, but what we will be doing is remembering.  Remembering the kind of woman she was.  I will think about how she always put her family above herself.  I will look back on the all the times she read me stories or sang me her goofy song before bed.  I’ll remember how I always loved taking baths at her house because she had the most fun toys for the tub.  I’ll be reminiscing all the holiday’s spent around a dining room table, just enjoying the time we had together. I’ll hear her laugh in my head, spreading throughout every bone in my body until I can’t help but laugh right along with her.  She was genuinely one of the most kind and strong woman that walked the Earth.

  My grandmother wasn’t much of a griever.  She always told us to see the good in every situation.  Before she died, she told everybody that her funeral was to not bring any tears.  She wanted us to remember and be thankful for the time she did have and the time she got to spend with us.  Now, the no tears thing was a little too high of an order.  I remember the funeral like it was yesterday.  That church was packed full, I didn’t even know half of the people in that room. The amount of tears shed on that day could fill the seas. It just made me realize how loved and adored she was. It is unreal to think how many people’s lives were touched with my grandmother’s personality and selflessness.  At the same time, I thought about how many people broke down in dread when hearing of her passing.

                There have been so many times in the past three years when I would be so angry at the fact that there are awful minds in this world, and they are alive whereas my grandmother isn’t.  I never understood how bad things happen to the best of people.  I still don’t, and probably never will.  I guess God just wanted her all to himself, I mean I can’t blame him.  I just wish I could have said one last thing to her before it all. 

                October 29^th will always be the worst day of the year.  All this day does is remind me of the thing I lost that I can never get back.  I’ve become the person who is afraid of change.  I am terrified that if I let go of one thing, that I will regret it and have no way of getting it back.  I’ve become afraid to let myself do what will make me happy in fear of disappointing or hurting someone else who means just as much to me. Nothing hurts worse than that feeling of permanent loss.  That feeling where you’re stuck in one place because the person you needed by your side to keep going is gone and can’t come back.  It’s been three years since I lost my grandmother.  Although some might say I should be over it my now, I disagree.  It was the first person in my life that meant the world to me that was taken for good, and it feels like crap. I’ve managed to move on with my life and find happiness in other things.  Nothing in the entire world could stop me from missing her though.

                I think people underestimate the power of one person.  I know society spends way too much time telling someone that they can’t or that it’s impossible. The only way something is impossible is if nobody had the guts to try it.  It was once thought to be impossible that humans could go to space, but we proved that wrong.  Every day people are proving that the impossible is most definitely possible.  The immensity of a grandmother’s love has the power to survive anything, even death.  She may be gone, but even if I can’t physically see her or hug her, I feel the presence of her love.  That vastness and clarity in a persons’ love is what can turn the death of a woman into something bearable.  I never thought I’d realize the fact that she is still here.  I was so caught up in the sadness of the loss that I never stopped and just talked to her and let her listen to me.

                The day I lost my grandma was the day my life changed.  I think about her every second.  Involuntarily, my mind reverts to thinking what my grandma would do in a certain situation.  Although I often fail at being even close to the same level of person she was, I know she’s still proud of me.  People always leave, but even though she’s gone, she’s here, somewhere, watching me.

               

        They say it’s impossible for one person to change the world.  If anybody could have done that, it would have been my grandma.  Her almost intimidating wisdom about the way life is could have made society think twice about how unfair and cruel it could be.  I truly believe she could have left her mark on this planet if she would have had more time.  The thing that gives me comfort though, is knowing she was able to work her magic on my family and friends.  Everyone that met her loved her and saw her as an inspiration.  My grandmother may not have been able to change the world on as large of a scale as I knew she would have been capable of, but that doesn't mean she didn’t change someone’s world.  That someone is me.  My world was changed and made better just by having her present.  Isn’t it amazing that one woman can have such an impact on another’s outlook on life? If I could see her again, I would thank her for teaching me what it means to be a family member, neighbor, friend, and human.  I love you more than you will ever know grandma.  I’ll see you soon.  I miss you, thank you for changing my world.

Halloween

     

       

 ~Using items around the house to make something creative and fun is my specialty.  I make craft whenever I can and it’s something I feel like I’m good at.  I make my Halloween costumes most of the time.  I’ve never been a fan of this holiday, I can’t do scary stuff.  Besides, most of the girls at school already have two faces, why add another? No but really, making my Halloween costume makes the day more enjoyable for me.

                My favorite Halloween costume I made was a few years ago when I dressed up as popcorn. I used a box and cut out a hole in the bottom and cut out a zig zag pattern at the top and then covered it in red and white vertical stripes to make the popcorn box.  And then I put another piece of cardboard on the top and cut out another hole for my body to go through.  On this, real popcorn was glued all over in a big mound.  The last thing I did was punch small holes on the side to put some leather straps to keep the box up, and boom.  I guess the whole “you are what you eat” saying applies.

                ~My absolute favorite part of Halloween is the candy.  I eat that stuff way too much, it is kind of unhealthy.  I love my chocolate, but I will literally eat any candy that is put in front of me.  Actually, it doesn’t have to be in front of me. I’d chase it down the street if I had too.  Anything unhealthy or sugary, expect me to eat it.

                My favorite candy would have to be Twix or Hershey’s milk chocolate.  Low-key I have an obsession with gummy Krabby patties.  I was never allowed to watch SpongeBob, but that candy was delicious, and Halloween is the only time I have a chance to get some of it.  If you’re looking for candy that kids will like, chocolate is the perfect way to go.  If you want to do something a little different, you can never go wrong with something gummy or hard candy.  Just know, that candy has to last children an entire year, so don’t be stingy.  Give them as much as possible.  Now their parents might not like that too much, but is trick or treating about the adults? NO, so let the kids enjoy their holiday.  Fill their pillow case to the brim, and you’ll see about a million smiles on Halloween night.  I think Halloween needs a little more treats and a little less tricks. 

Immensity

Music blasting

Bonfire blazing

Summer beach parties every weekend

Don’t think about tomorrow,

Party hard now

Was their motto.

Me not so much,

A walk on the cool night sand does me just fine

I look down yonder

The moon’s light is shattered by the ripples in the water

The stars are clothed with the smoke bellowing

From the bonfire

The shore is blanketed with seaweed,

Hiding it from view.

The stench of rotten sea creatures mask the

Soothing salt water.

Why these flaws should be characterized as

Wrong?

Scars on the surface shouldn't determine

Its immensity

Or worth.

Its true beauty is immense in itself.

Just have to give it a chance.

I feel sorry for those who don’t see the

Immensity

Of judgment and mistreatment

Our world is imperfect.

But it’s still a good one.

Lyric Shuffle

I was there for you

And you said you has my back

When I was at my worst

but I can't make them stay

The fakers gonna fake, fake, fake

I stay up too late

 My head's underwater

And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

From the bottom to the top

come on now, make it stop

Don't you know I'm human too

Music

      I have a very specific way I like my music.  I listen to country music and that’s it.  If you showed me a recent pop song I would have never heard it.  Most people think country music is trash, but they don’t know what it’s about.  Yes I will admit a lot of country music is about beer and trucks, but some have a deeper meaning that only the artist knows about.  Some of the artists sing these songs with so much passion.  That is my favorite kind of music.  I love country music with lyrics that can speak to me.  If you couldn’t tell my now, I love my quotes, I love deep things that make me think.  That’s just who I am.

     


 My favorite song isn't determined by how many times I listen to it or how often it is stuck in my head.  I love songs that make my heart race when it comes on the radio.  It is the one I feel so many emotions for.  I have a couple songs that never fail to make me emotional.  These songs are What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts and Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood.  What Hurts the Most is a song I’ve loved for a really long time.  I have always related to the lyrics of the song when I’m sad.  This is my go to song when I’ve had a bad day.  It is so powerful and relate able and it never fails to make me feel something.  Something in the Water is a newer song that I found on the very first time it was played on the radio.  That song was just so powerful and from the very moment I heard it for the first time I fell in love with it.  Carrie Underwood portrays her songs to perfection.  Her other songs Jesus Take the Wheel and See You Again are ones that her new music had to live up to.  In my opinion it did.

       Music is the definition of poetry.  It is an appealing way to express feelings and portray an emotion. 

“Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.  Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.” –John Michael Montgomery

“Life aint always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.” –Gary Allen

“Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.” –Eli Young Band

“God gave me you for the ups and downs, god gave me you for the days of doubt.” – Blake Shelton

“You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can.  But I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.” –Miranda Lambert

"He said, "I've been where you've been before. Down every hallway's a slamming door." No way out, no one to come and save me. Wasting a life that the Good Lord gave me. Then somebody said what saying to you. Opened my eyes and told me the truth." They said, "Just a little faith, it'll all get better." –Carrie Underwood

“I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though Goin' on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay” – Rascal Flatts

Dan in Real Life Questions

2. Three tips I would give to parents of teenagers is,

                1.  Give them space, let them come to you.  If they need you they will reach out.

                2.  Trust them if they give you a reason too.

                3. Make sure they know how much you care.

14.  Honestly, I think that if you fall in love once it should stay that way.  You could say I’m a hopeless romantic.  When my grandma died my grandpa got another girlfriend.  I was glad he was getting over the loss of her, but I still believe nobody will ever compare to my grandmother.  I think there is one person out there for us.  I think we just have to find that person.

17.  My perfect day would honestly be a day when I have a brain full of words to add to my stories I’ve written.  If I could write all day every day I would.  I feel like writing has done more for me than people have at this point.  If I sat in my room with my laptop and just wrote until my fingers were numb, it would be the perfect day.  I would set down my phone, cut off communication with everything else and just write.

22.  Honestly I do think life is full of disappointment.  Sure there are some good things that happen but it is so much easier to complain about something than it is to be content.  In a sense, it is our fault that life is disappointing.  It’s our brains telling us that life sucks.  We cause the disappointment.

Movies With Meaning

Movies and TV, a full proof way to shut your brain off from your own reality and engage yourself in a different one.  My favorite movies are the ones that can make me cry and feel for the characters on the screen.  I love the movies with deeper meanings and ones that can make me think about human tendencies and ways of life, just anything that can make me feel something.

 

 Movies like Remember Me with Robert Pattinson comes to mind.  It was one of those movies that gave me this feeling of sadness and remorse for the characters.  My favorite movie, though would have to be To Save a Life.  This movie is a Christian movie that I watched at church for the first time. I really connected with the characters in the film.  I felt Jake’s confusion as well as Johnny and Roger’s pain.  The way this movie was put together gave off this symbol of hope and love and sacrifice.  The way Jake was willing to give up his dreams for the girl he loved and the way Johnny made friends for the first time that made him happy for the first time in his life.  Every character has their own personal struggle, and that is something anybody can relate too.  I think that is why I love that movie so much, I can easily relate.  I have so many other movies that I will watch over and over again.  Most of them are ones from my childhood that to me are still considered some of the best movies of all time.  I love feel good movies but nothing beats the depressing movies with meaning and heart to them.

I hate scary movies.  I hate them so much.  I’m a chicken, I will scream, I will cry, and I will have nightmares for weeks on end if I am forced to watch a horror film.  Trust me, you don’t want to force me to watch them because if you do, I will not sleep and I will be the crankiest person alive.  No one wants to be around someone who hasn’t slept.  Friendly advice: Do NOT make me watch a scary movie.

I don’t watch movies as much as I binge watch TV shows on Netflix, but there is still nothing better than sitting on my butt watching other people on a television screen.  Chances are though, if there is an emotional, heartfelt movie out there, I have seen it.  I may watch way too many shows on Netflix for hours upon hours, but I still have movie nights will myself very frequently, and it is honestly one of my favorite things to do.

One word, popcorn.  Even without a movie being on, popcorn is easily my favorite food.  It is even better when there is a screen in front of me.  I’ll be wearing my PINK sweatpants, a comfy sweatshirt and fuzzy socks.  I’ll cover myself in a pile of blankets and veg out on the couch in my room.  I could just sit there for hours with the lights off, watching TV.

If my life were made into a movie, it would probably win a Golden Globe.  The endless amounts of drama and the thoughts running through my mind could be made into an interesting story, especially if I wrote the script. My life and experiences itself would be boring if it were written by someone else because they have no idea what my life is about.  If I shared my story in a movie, it would be emotional and happy at the same time.  I know my life and I know that it is so bipolar. One week everything is fantastic and enjoyable and I’m having a blast with my friends doing shenanigans, and then the next day, it all goes downhill.  I think if I could portray my life on screen, I could make it into something people would enjoy and relate too.

Survey Results: YOUR PERSONALITY

Take a look at how you scored on the Big Five personality dimensions below.
Your scores, compared with the responses of other people, suggest that you may be described as follows:

YOU ARE 58% EXTRAVERTED.

You are moderate in activity and enthusiasm. You enjoy the company of others but you also value your privacy.

YOU ARE 67% AGREEABLE.

You are generally warm, trusting, and agreeable, but you can sometimes be stubborn and competitive.

YOU ARE 92% CONSCIENTIOUS.

You are conscientious and well organized. You have high standards and always strive to achieve goals.

YOU ARE 25% EMOTIONALLY STABLE.

You are sensitive, emotional and prone to experience feelings that are upsetting.

YOU ARE 58% OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES.

You are practical but willing to consider new ways of doing things. You try to seek a balance between the old and the new.

Window Poem

I skip down the historic street

In Downtown St. Charles

Hand in hand with my grandmother.

I’m ten years old, I see it there.

It catches my eye so quick.

I had to pull aside to stop and stare.

There she was in the display

Protected by glass, keeping me away.

I needed that doll I thought.

It would be my best friend.

My grandma looks at me and says,

“It’s almost Christmas you know.”

She winks, and says lets go.

Edward Hopper

                

Nothing seems right anymore.  I own this convenience store a few miles off the main strip.  We used to be the busiest place in town, but that was always because of my wife.  She knew everybody’s name that lived within a 100 mile radius.  She treated these people with the utmost respect and kindness.  Unfortunately, I lost the love of my life to cancer three months ago.  My two kids, Bobby and Anna, took the lost very hard.  They moved across the country with their spouses and kids to start over, try and regain that happiness they had lost. 

                Did anybody think about me? I was married to my wife for over fifty years.  We were high school sweethearts, we even won prom king and queen.  Every Saturday morning, we opened up the shop a few hours late, and we would just sit on our back porch, drink coffee, and just enjoy each other’s presence.  She was my best friend.

                My whole family left me to run the store by myself.  It’s not like I could close it up, the shop was my only source of income.  Since my wife died, business kept getting worse and worse.  Most of that can be blamed on me though.  The places moral had weakened because of my broken heart. Sure, some of the friends we made from owning the store came by every once in a while, but even after visiting a couple times they stopped.  People always leave me.  This shop is who I am not because I have nothing else.  In my free time, which is always, I spend it cleaning and keeping up the cleanliness.  

My first line I chose for my first and last line piece was “The moment one learns English, complications set in.”  I took that as a child growing up and having to learn new things every day and be responsible for more as every year passes.  I wrote about the complications teenagers face in their daily lives like sadness, the butterflies you get from a certain person, and the judgmental minds of your peers.  I understand everybody has gone through something, but everybody has gone through the exact same thing.  One cannot understand someone to the full extent without trading places with them.  I guess I got that part right.  This line is from a 1900’s novel called Chromos, by Felipe Alfau. This book was published almost 50 years after being initially written in the 1940’s.  It is a novel set in the post WWII era.  When I saw that I thought that I had the meaning of the book kind of right.  The soldiers in the war had a responsibility to their country.  The people back home having dinner with their family or having a Saturday morning off could never understand what the soldiers were having to go through.  I found that interesting, and I might actually read this novel.

The last line was from the novel “The Sun Also Rises” by Earnest Hemmingway. The last line was “Yes,” I said “Isn’t it pretty to think so?”  I had a hard time matching these two statements together to make a story.  It still wasn’t the best possible, but on the bright side I have two new books I’m planning on reading.  The Sun Also Rises is a book I’ve never actually heard of, I’ve only heard of the author.  It is set after WW1.  So it seems I picked two lines from books set in post war times.  I love anything that contains a deeper meaning than just the text on the pages.  I love reading a book and having to read in between the lines and attempt to think and figure out what the author was going through at the time.  I love using little clues in the writings to figure out what the author is trying to convey.  Just from these lines,  I want to think that these books will be like that.  

First and Last Line

The moment one learns English, complications set in.  Decisions have to be made, fights have to be fought, and difficulties have to be faced head on, keeping strong. Being a teenager during this time is confusing.  People expect more of me.  They expect me to know right from wrong and what to say and when to say them.  Truth is, I was taught my manners, but nobody realizes that most people are not prepared for some of the things that we as teenagers have to deal with.

I would walk through the front doors of the school and glance around me, thinking about the people in my presence.  Almost judging them. Which is wrong, I know that, but they’re probably judging me just as much.  I already knew today was going to be a bad day.  I was unable to study for an important test the night before because my notebook was stolen. I also have another huge test that I had to ace to get a B in the class for the quarter.  It could be easily assumed that I was stressed out. Probably even more than just stressed out. 

Know what’s amazing? If one person was able to get me to smile or see something good about the day then I would be golden. That’s exactly what happened.  One text from one person made my day go from awful to livable in under two seconds.  It made me realize that this person cares about me.  That is the best feeling in the entire world. 

It’s impossible to have a stress-free perfect life.  What is possible is telling yourself it doesn’t have to feel imperfect or stressful.  I know from experience that looking on the positive sides of everything is easily the most difficult thing ever.  Think of the glass half full for a change.  Live your life thinking that if one door closes, another one opens.  Second chances can be given more than once, just don’t take advantage.  Instead of seeing the sunset and thinking that tomorrow is going to be a bad day, take time to take in the scenery and thank God for the blessings he’s given you.  Negativity is too contagious.  As hard as it may be, let even a sliver of happiness in.  Tell yourself that it’s okay to be who you are, because no matter how complicated or crappy you think your life is, it isn’t.  Simple as that. If anybody noticed my mood changing after one text and asked me if I was okay my response would be,

“Yes, isn’t it pretty to think so?”

Artists...Kind of

        I have never cared much for famous artists and paintings.  It always seemed so foreign to me to convey a story without words.  That’s why I kind of took this assignment into my own hands and decided to change it up a bit.  Instead of researching a painter type artist, I decided to write about my most favorite writer of all time, who in my mind is a genius artist. Robert Frost’s words have influenced me for a long time now.

         Robert Frost was born on March 26^th, 1874 in San Francisco, California.  He was born to William Prescott Frost Jr. and Isabelle Moodie.  He had a little sister named Jeanie.  His Father died of tuberculosis when he was 11. After His father died, he moved to Pennsylvania and finished high school at the top of his class.  After high school, Frost attended college at Dartmouth and Harvard.  His first piece was published on November 8, 1894.  He later married to Elinor Miriam White in 1895.  Frost has written many poems over the years.  My personal favorites are Fire and Ice, The Road Not Taken, and Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.  I have an old book containing poems by Robert Frost.  Many times I open it to a random poem, read it and try to interpret and relate it to my own life.  I find Robert Frost one of the most influential “artists” of all time.  He may not do paintings or sculptures but he captures feelings with words better than anybody I’ve ever seen.

        Fire and Ice is my all time favorite poem.  Mostly because its a mystery to me.  I never fully understood the deeper meaning behind it.  I've loved the rhythm this poem has as well.  I honestly love everything about it.  It is my favorite poem by Frost.

Dent in the Pillow

                I’ve visited her house every day since the cancer spread and she passed.  I drive the short ride to her front lawn whenever I can, yet it always seems so hard stepping out onto the lawn, where we used to pass the soccer ball on Saturday afternoons. My legs felt like steel, I couldn’t move them. It was almost a sign as if I’m not welcomed to where the most amazing girl used to spend her days. As a result, I’d sit in my car, sometimes smiling, thinking about all the memories etched into my brain. Other times, I just cried because I knew we would never be able to have anymore.  On the rare occasion when I couldn’t bring myself to either one, I prayed.  I prayed that one day I’d have the strength to walk up to her front porch, ring the doorbell, and tell her parents how much she meant to me and so many others.  Her family grew to be my favorite people in the world and I haven’t spoken to them since she died. It seemed so wrong, so unreal. It seemed as if she was still sitting in her room, talking to me on the phone or daydreaming about our future.  At least, that’s all I ever did.  Unfortunately, she is gone and there is no way to bring her back.  I know I won’t ever get closure until I step foot into that house again.

                As I park my beat up old truck that was the one thing I loved almost as much as I loved her, I glanced up to where her window is.  It’s the middle of autumn here in our small little town.  The crinkly leaves covered her front porch and driveway.  The lawn was overgrown and weeds have since came and gone when it got chillier. The cozy white house’s paint was chipping, mailbox was rotted out, and the rocking chairs on the front porch had been knocked over from a storm a few nights before.  The old townhouse that used to be beautiful and well-kept seemed to have lost its curb appeal. 

                I watched as the orange and yellow leaves swept across my vision.  Something seemed different about today.  I didn’t feel like smiling, or crying, or praying.  All I wanted to do was knock on the door, so I did.  For the first time in 4 months after coming here every day, I opened up my truck’s door and started towards the house. As I reached the porch, I noticed something I never saw before.  It was a letter, from her, from the girl I was in love with.  On the envelope, I saw a post-it note with her mother’s handwriting. It was dated for almost 4 months before.  The note said:

Dear Anthony,

                

       We have noticed you outside the house and every day we have been praying you would come inside so we could give you this letter Brooke wrote for you. So we left it here for when you built up the strength to come inside.  Please just walk in, Brooke would want you to read it in her bedroom, with all of her belongings and memories the two of you had. You’ll always be like a second son to us.

Much love,

Angela

I felt a tear stream down my face.  But I knew today was the day I would visit Brooke’s room for the first time.  I turned the doorknob of her house slowly making sure not to alarm her parents if they were home.  The door squeaked a bit, but then the house went back to complete silence.  The house seemed messier than usual, but it didn’t really bother me.  I walked up the creaky wooden stairs up to Brooke’s bedroom.  I couldn’t believe it, nothing in her bedroom had been touched.  Her photos of me and her, and of her and her best friends were still surrounding her vanity mirror.  Her clothes were still sprawled out on the floor. What I noticed that hit me the hardest though, is that her bed was unmade and it still looked like it had been slept in recently, even though it hadn’t.  Her pillow still had an ovular dent in it from her head sleeping in it five months ago.  The memories from all the years hit me like a truck.  I couldn’t help but fall to the ground in agony.  Something weird happened though, I felt like crying but no tears fell. No torturous desperate bursts of air were needed.  I actually felt peaceful. I felt like she was here with me. In the five months of loneliness, I had never been able to feel her presence until now.

I stood up from the floor and made my way towards the vintage old desk that she bought at an antique shop one day two summers ago.  I sat in the oak chair that had all the signatures from anybody who sat in it.  I never understood why she had people write on her furniture, it was always a mystery.  Then again, so was she. 

I opened the envelope and began to read.  I was expecting a long heartfelt letter, but that didn’t describe this letter at all.  Even so, it was probably the most meaningful thing I've ever read. It read:

Anthony,

                

       I will always love you, even at heavens gates. I’ll see you soon.

Love,

Brooke