Why did you have to leave?

*NOTE- extremely personal...rather wouldn't have shared but this is what I write best about sooo enjoy*

“Grandma!!!” I would scream as I busted through my grandparents transparent glass front door, with a smile wider than the Grand Canyon plastered on my face. 

“Hello sweetheart, I missed you!” She would exclaim as she brought me into a tight, loving hug that I looked forward to the whole way to St. Louis. The house was something I knew inside and out. The soft beige textured walls and chocolate brown furniture and light green accents on the white mantle came into view as she let me out of her grip. The fragrance of her famous fried chicken filled the room.  I admired the perfectly tidy living room, wondering how I was related to such a neat freak. The only mess was her craft supplies sprawled across the dining room table, and the box of shrink dinks ready to be made (It was kind of our tradition).   “Happy 13th birthday Mikala! What are we doing for your special day this year?” She asked, because every year my grandma took us on special days out for our birthdays.  I smiled and thought for a bit.

“Hmm can we just go shopping and go out to lunch?” I asked, excited to spend time with my favorite person on the planet.

“Absolutely, let’s get going and beat the traffic.”

                As we pull into the Galleria Mall, we notice the parking lot is packed full. The only spot we could find was in very back, and the heat index was already past 96 degrees. We stepped out of the car and my grandma put her arm around my shoulder, grinned and then we started walking. The more steps we took and the more energy we had to exert I could feel my grandma becoming out of breath. When we got to the door she sat down on the bench.  She looked at me and I saw the fear and the fatigue in her comforting blue eyes. I saw her small gold cross necklace resting on her chest rise and fall at an unsettling speed, concerning me.  Seeing my grandma struggle like this being 13 years old was frightening. 

“Grandma are you okay?” I questioned her, scared to death.

“Yes I am okay I just lost my breathe from that long walk.  Are you ready to shop?”

I told her I was, but I couldn’t stop thinking that something was wrong that I didn’t know about. The rest of the day was a blur, we had a great time even though I spent it worrying nonstop.

Thinking back on it now, my birthday wasn’t one where I was excited to turn 13, it was the last day I got to spend with the amazing woman that I idolized.  Little did I know, the goodbyes we shared at the end of that week weren’t temporary.  If I would have known then that I would lose my grandmother to a lung disease three months later, I would’ve made sure she knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.  As a young child, I remember every moment we spent together could easily be considered the best and most memorable times of my entire life.

Flash forward three years, I’m 16 years old and every minute of every day is still devoted to thinking about how my grandmother would want me to act.  Sometimes I fail, make mistakes, and do wrong, but then I look up and think about how I know she’s looking down on me at that very moment and then I know everything will be okay. All the time I spent struggling and grieving over the loss of my best friend was the most difficult time of my life. Now I wear that beautiful cross necklace around my own neck with pride, letting it remind me of the beautiful woman who owned it before I did. The woman who was a devout Catholic, the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met with a tender voice that would read me books to help me fall asleep.  My grandmother gets credit for a large majority of the good parts of myself. She made me the woman I am today. Any of the bad can be blamed on how off track I got after I lost her, which I regret deeply.  I must end this with saying thank you to the most amazing influence I’ve ever had.  I love and miss you grandma.